WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII Preview
 When Hach asked me to write this column I had to give a lot of thought to whether it would even be worth my time to jump in. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate Wrestling. I love Professional Wrestling. It's just as much a part of my childhood as G.I. Joe, Transformers, or dysfunctional family events. Professional wrestling was one of my first loves, right up there with super hero underoos and a little girl named "Chelsea" (true identity withheld to protect the innocent.) You see, Chelsea was a little girl we would meet up with at the playground. Sometimes we'd go to the pool, sometimes we'd just swing, other times we'd run around the neighborhood until it was dark and we were both yelled at to come home. Oh, and we would also take turns hiding behind her bed and looking at each others privates and peeing into a bucket. Professional Wrestling is my "piss in a bucket."
It's been so long that I have been entertained by Professional Wrestling. I might laugh here and there, enjoy a promo, and maybe get psyched for a truly great match-up. I've just been painted into a corner. I have to choose between the WWE, a company that has cornered the market on public pandering to the point of distress, or NWA TNA/TNA/Impact Wrestling/Whatever they're called now, a company that so shamelessly tries to be the WWE circa 1999 that they negate any and all momentum they build the second it arrives. It's a catch 22. Do I want to see John Cena, keeping true to my Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect motto while Rising Against Hate and wearing all the colors of the spectrum, or do I want to see the face of TNA, -... Well... I don't... Who is the face of TNA? Is it still Ken Shamrock? He was the champion for five seconds, right? What would you say if I told you you could see the likes of Samoa Joe, Austin Aries, AJ Styles, and any number of other TREMENDOUS workers on a regular basis... BUT, you had to sit through 90 minutes of Hulk Hogan and Sting fighting over control of a company owned by a woman who came from the energy industry and has skin the consistency of Peruvian goat leather. Enjoy the internal debate.
With all of that said, there is ONE thing that will always bring me back to wrestling, no matter what happened during the year. That one event is Wrestlemania, the showcase of the immortals. I think the kid in all of us gets this. Wrestlemania is where giants get body slammed, boyhood dreams are realized, and all the beefs of a year can be decided. It is the mecca of Sports Entertainment. Every year I go into Wrestlemania anymore with the attitude that "This is it. One more go around and I'm finally done." And then I come back again, because Wrestlemania is coming and I can't wait to cheer against the Undertaker's streak, or see the next stars of the business outshine the Main Eventers to prove their worth. At any one time in the wrestling industry, there are about 120-160 contracted performers. Of those 120-160, only about 20-30 will get their chance, once a year, to perform on the Wrestlemania card. The odds are tremendously against them getting there and earning our applause. It's an elite club. And that is what's on the line this Sunday in Miami, Florida. Immortality.
Here's the announced card:
Once In A Lifetime:
John Cena vs. Dwayne Johnson
Hell In A Cell:
Triple H vs. The Undertaker w/ Special Referee Shawn Michaels
WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show
Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny for control of RAW and Smackdown
Randall Keith Orton vs. Kane
Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
On paper, the card does in fact look like shit, I completely attest to that, but I do believe there is potential in there for one of the best Wrestlemanias of all time from a work rate perspective. We'll get to that on a match by match basis. Overall though, this show has a little bit for all types of fans which definitely gives me hope that it could rank highly on the all time list.
Kelly Kelly/Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
So on one side of this match, you have the WWE Pink Butterfly Champion, Beth Phoenix a.k.a. The Glamazon, and her partner, the ridiculously hot Eve Torres. Beth Phoenix has spent essentially the past year losing to Kelly Kelly, then finally beating her for the Pink Butterfly Championship, then hanging out with Nattie Neidhart (who has gone on to perform, to great acclaim, as "that farting chick"), while simultaneously losing every match leading to a pay per view and then somehow dominantly winning anyway. Eve
Torres you might know as the Rob Van Dam of women's wrestling. She has an arsenal of flashy moves that she can barely perform competently and routinely potatoes people with them. Eve has spent the past year being Kelly Kelly's plucky Latina Friend, then Beth Phoenix's plucky Latina Foil, then Zack Ryder's plucky Latina Crush, and rounded out her Road to Wrestlemania by trying to bang John Cena, using the limited fame of Zack Ryder to make her... just as famous as she was, and then becoming Beth Phoenix's plucky Latina Friend. It has truly been a whirlwind year for the former Diva Search Winner.
On the other side, Kelly Kelly, the former Pink Butterfly Champion. Kelly has continually defied the odds over her WWE career. She started out as a stripper who never stripped on ECW, became CM Punk's secret girlfriend, got abused by pre-beard Mike Knox, has been destroyed by Beth Phoenix continually, betrayed by friends like Eve Torres, but she just keeps coming back for more. Kelly truly is the modern Mikey Whipwreck. The funny thing about that last statement is that I meant it as a compliment. And her partner for this epic encounter will be TV Host Maria Menounos, who I didn't even know existed until she wore a bikini on television as part of her punishment in a failed Super Bowl bet. Much like Mario Lopez, I went from 6 to midnight. Maria Menounos is a star but also is reportedly a wrestling fan that will be making her second appearance in a WWE ring Sunday at Wrestlemania. Normally I would trash a celebrity appearing at Wrestlemania, but as Snooki proved to us, looks can be deceiving.
In the end, I'm not entirely sure where this match is going to go. The better part of the past year in the Diva's division has been booked by the seat of the pants. When Kharma went out for her pregnancy leave, it seemed like all the plans went with it. What followed was months of dominance by Beth Phoenix and Nattie, who is inexplicably not present. In that regard, the past year has been a booking waste. Kelly has a good following with the crowd though and Beth can usually flat out go in the ring. That alone should get SOME reaction from the crowd. I'd expect this match to go on right before Trips and Taker or Rock and Cena.
WINNER: Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos
Randall Keith Orton vs. Kane
Here comes Randy Orton and he is hearing voices in his head. Randall Keith Orton seemed to turn a page in the past year. Orton has previously been labelled as selfish, arrogant, egotistical, you name it. Orton was always out for himself. In the past year however, Orton seems to have figured out the business and has taken to elevating young talent, which is somewhat of a lost art these days. The new WWE Superstar has slowly become a mufti-faceted talent that can talk, go in the ring, and can exude personality. It's a completely new style and it feels like Orton gets that. He has spent the past year putting over guys in the ring that he can later meet up with again and make money with, something that The Undertaker and Triple H, who are in one of the co-Main Events, have never seemed to get. Orton remains, in my mind, the best WWE-Style Storyteller in the ring.
On the other side we have The Rocketeer, Jacob Goodnight, a.k.a Kane. Kane, for me, has become a bit of a novelty act. Following his forgettable, awful title reign and feud with Edge 2 years ago, Kane has fallen back into the mid-card and languished. He recently returned with his mask again, which in itself is a good move. Letting him talk, however, was a mistake. Putting Kane's over the top delivery and promo style up against guys like CM Punk, John Cena, and the like only makes him stand out, and not in the good way. Wearing tights with 8-bit Nintendo Fire on them doesn't help either. Kane has become a caricature of the role he played years ago and likens itself to an Old Yeller that needs to be put out to pasture. Kane has had a great run, been one of the best big men in the business, and entertained people for years, but it's time for him to go on his farewell tour.
This is a slam dunk for Randy Orton. There's no money for him, or the WWE, in losing to Kane.
WINNER: Randall Keith Orton
Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny
This match has been thrown together haphazardly to involve a lot of the mid-card talents that have been vital on the actual card. The overlying storyline here involves Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis, Mr. Excitement, competing for control of the RAW and Smackdown brands. The winning team will win total control for their chosen leader. There's not much going on here. It could be a good match but I am always against a multi-man tag match that isn't elimination. This is a 10-Man Tag with one fall to the finish.
Team Teddy: WWE United States Champion Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, Great Khali, Zack Ryder, and Booker T
Team Johnny: David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre
Looking at the the rosters and their team leader, it becomes abundantly clear who SHOULD win this match. Whether they go that way or not, I couldn't really say. Team Teddy is essentially made up of guys that they have nothing for, an announcer, an Indian gimmick wrestler brought back to combat TNA's Indian Promotion, and Santino who continues to be an awful wrestler that the crowd absolutely eats up. Team Johnny is made up of three former Champions, a guy who was once tabbed "The Future of the WWE," and Jennifer Hudson's wife. Taking into account star power, general overness, accomplishments, and future potential, Team Johnny should take this one. Teddy Long has had an amazing career as a manager, referee, and personality, but his time has come and gone.
WINNER: Team Johnny (BONUS: Dolph pins Kofi)
Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show
This is probably the match I'm looking forward to the most, which is saying something given some of the other matches that were booked for this show. In my humble opinion, this has been the most realized storyline they have going into Wrestlemania. Big Show's history on the big stage is laughable, at best, and the whole storyline was booked to emphasize that, which makes me start to feel like Show might be picking up win #3 for him at Wrestlemania. Show has never really been lights out in his WWE run but he does have his moments. Set aside that he has the laziest finisher in wrestling, put aside that his ring gear is basically a kid's novelty Halloween costume, the guy can be entertaining in small doses and he's really playing it well in this storyline.
On the other side of this is the 2nd generation superstar, Cody Rhodes. Cody has gone from being Randall Keith Orton and Ted DiBiase Jr's sidekick to now being one of the top guys on either brand. Cody has a lot of momentum behind him and can absolutely go in the ring. The only thing that was working against Cody was his lack of knee pads. Once WWE slapped on the knee bras, Cody has shot directly to the top. This is an IC Title defense as well, which gets the IC Title defended on the big stage, which it very rarely is.
This is a tough one to predict but I'm going to go with Cody getting a clean win. The only wild card I can see is possible interference from Goldust. I wouldn't hold out hope but I could see Goldy getting involved and costing Cody the match and the title. Cody is just the hotter hand right now and should be pushed for a shot at the main titles soon.
WINNER: Cody Rhodes
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
The World Heavyweight Championship is on the line in this match between the Vegan Sensation, the American Dragon, Bryan Daniel--- Err, Daniel Bryan, and the 2012 Royal Rumble winner, Sheamus. This same exact match was booked for Wrestlemania last year and was bumped off the show and took place on the pre-show. A year later, it's one of the Main Events. That's Professional Wrestling in a nutshell, anything can happen.
Daniel Bryan has been the champ for most of the past few months and has slowly but surely been getting much better reactions. It's pretty amazing given the way they've yo-yo'd his character back and forth to account for injuries to people like Mark Henry. In an ideal world, I'd have preferred to see Bryan cash in his Money In The Bank briefcase at Mania against the unstoppable monster Mark Henry but we play the hand we are dealt with. WWE has often made Bryan look stupid, second rate, and unable to compete and he has continually beaten the odds and proved them wrong. The fact that he is even a champion is a bit surprising, let alone being on the marquee for the biggest show of the year. You have to give the man a lot of credit, even if you don't like or respect him. It's been a long road from the Murphy Rec Center in Philadelphia to the Orange Bowl in Miami. Bryan deserves his Wrestlemania moment.
Sheamus is an interesting case. He's a former champion, he's one of their better new wrestlers to come up in a long time, but he continues to get mediocre crowd reactions and never really seems to be in the heat of things. Sheamus is just one of those guys who is "there," like the Ken Shamrocks and D'Lo Browns before him. He's always good, sometimes great, but has never made that complete connection. The fact he won the Royal Rumble didn't really shock me but it certainly surprised me given the fact that Chris Jericho and Wade Barrett had a lot more heat at the time. Sheamus' work has put him in this match but I'm not entirely sure it's enough to give him a win in this match.
Given the unique situation of this card being headlined by two non-title, "legend" match-ups, the WWE isn't under any pressing circumstances to push for a title change. That leaves a lot of things up in the air. I'm going to go ahead and say Bryan picks up the W here and goes on to lose it to Sheamus at the next pay per view. Bryan is the hotter act right now, he's getting good reactions from the crowd, and he's been winning most of the small battles leading up to this match. Sheamus has been sort of dead in the water for awhile, right up until he won the Rumble. Also, let's keep in mind that the last few years haven't seen the Royal Rumble winner fare well at Mania. I don't see it being different for Sheamus, and honestly, it's hard to see him as the champion in any credible fashion.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
The WWE Championship is on the line in this match between CM Punk, the straight edge superstar, and Chris Jericho. In many people's minds, this is of a "dream match" quality. Two great wrestlers, two great personalities, two superstars in varying degrees of their prime that can get crowds eating out of the palm of their hands. It's a match I've been looking forward to for a long time.
CM Punk has been one of the hottest acts in wrestling since June of 2011. His promos and segments leading into his Money In The Bank Championship match against John Cena were some of the most talked about and attention getting angles in years for the WWE. Mainstream attention, media attention, bringing fans back, making wrestling somewhat cool again. He won the Championship and walked out of the building. And then... He came back. Everything that made it cool slowly faded away and all of the attention went for naught. Punk has still been at the center of the RAW brand since but the "it" factor just isn't the same. Punk is still, in many people's minds, "the man" in the WWE right now, despite what John Cena would have you believe.
Chris Jericho returned in a cloud of controversy in January and has done nothing but entertain since he's been back. His promos are already amongst the best on the shows, his matches are slowly getting back to the quality you would expect, and he's been given the chance to have a prime match-up at Wrestlemania against one of the best workers.
Everything is set up really well for this one. Jericho hasn't done a whole lot since he's come back. It's not that he's been bad, he's just been... Handled strangely. There's just something off about this one. I think this match would've been perfectly acceptable, no questions asked, no weird feeling, if he had just won the Royal Rumble. That didn't happen though and we are left with a toned down, rehashed storyline from Ring of Honor circa 2003 and 2004. The whole thing just doesn't feel right. It's slightly off and I'm not sure what about it makes me feel that way. It should still be an excellent match, I just don't think they've done enough to sell this like the big deal it should be.
WINNER: CM Punk
Triple H vs. The Undertaker
This match has been billed as The End of an Era. The last two remaining "Full-Time" stars from the attitude era square off inside a Hell In A Cell at Wrestlemania, with WWE Hall of Famer Shawn Michaels as the Special Referee. This match is a complete showstopper in and of itself. Three legends in the ring, at the same time, in the biggest gimmick match the company has. All of that surrounded by the fact that the Undertaker's streak is on the line.
There's not much that can really be said. Despite WWE billing this as The End of an Era, this Era really ended about two years ago. Triple H and Undertaker both haven't been Full-Time members of the roster for the past two years, and Michaels retired before that. Nobody in this match will be around much longer than maybe RAW this Monday. After Sunday, all three will be back to whatever it is they do when they aren't in the ring. Triple H is going to be back in a shirt and tie, running things behind the scenes. Taker will be back in Texas, plowing whatever unattractive blonde he's married to these days. Michaels will be back to shooting things. These guys aren't people you want to build a show around anymore, despite the attention they draw. I've assumed for awhile that this detail is why this became a Hell In A Cell match.
At this point in their careers, how much can we expect Triple H and Taker to be able to do in there? They are more than likely going to need rest breaks, they are going to need to take easy ways out to draw cheap heat, they are going to need to do things that nobody else is allowed to do to keep the actual match on par with the hype that WWE has built this up with. I would expect the Cage to actually play a factor in the match for the first time in years. The Hell In A Cell cage has largely just been scenery the last few years it's been used. I would also expect weapons involved. Sledgehammer, Chairs, maybe the Steal Stairs. I could see all being in play. Pile drivers also, I assume both men will land one at some point. I wouldn't even be shocked if Vince McMahon allowed these two to add some color into the match. They are going to need set pieces like this to move this match along at a healthy clip and give them time to rest and build to the next high spot.
All in all, I don't expect this to be a classic, but I would expect it to have some big spots that get me somewhat interested. The build up for this match has done absolutely nothing for me but they have done a good job of at least selling me on the fact that Taker may finally lose his streak. Triple H has wifed up the boss' daughter, he's going to be running the company, and I don't think his ego would mind if he ended the streak. All that said, the only person that should beat The Undertaker's streak is Taker himself, when he finally hangs em' up and sends himself to the Hall of Fame.
WINNER: The Undertaker
John Cena vs. Dwayne Johnson
Once in a Lifetime is how WWE billed this match. Well thank God for that at least. I've been skeptical of this one since they booked it last April right after Wrestlemania. To give one match that much time to build, booking it one year in advance, was novel in concept but it lagged in execution.
The fact that the WWE assumed The Rock could keep up his end of the bargain by appearing once every three months and wrestling a nonsensical Tag Team Match with Cena at Survivor Series could sell this match is beyond me. He's a news flash that a lot of people don't want to hear: The Rock isn't a wrestler anymore. He's done everything he could to sell you that he's still a great athlete, and that he's home, and he's never leaving, and he's the same guy that left the WWE... That guy is dead. Dwayne Johnson came back to the WWE, the same Dwayne Johnson that spent 5 years making shitty family movies, wearing leotards and popping his pecs like Eve Torres in a booty popping session. Dwayne Johnson isn't a wrestler, he's an entertainer and actor who is looking for a career revolution. He's looking to reclaim his old fan base on his way to making more action and dramatic movies again. Dwayne isn't staying in the WWE. Just like Triple H and Undertaker, Dwayne might show up on Monday but he'll be a ghost soon after that. For me in particular, this made the whole build for this match just mean so much less for me. Dwayne Johnson might be moved by us cheering for him but he's not moved enough to become a full-time wrestler again.
On the other side is John Cena, the face of the WWE and the most popular wrestler in the world. John is WWE through and through. He's always made it a point to never leave, to work through side projects, and to dedicate himself to the WWE. By all accounts, John is one of the nicest and most dedicated dudes in the wrestling industry. In a way, it's a shame that John is also one of the most hated wrestlers in the world. There's many reasons for this. John has steadfastly refused to change himself his entire Main Event run in the WWE. He's been the same guy for going on 7 years. He comes out, gets real serious sometimes, yells at us, wears bright shirts, shouts at the crowd, and plants people into the mat. It's what he's good at and it's hard to argue against. That attitude though will not ever win over the long term WWE fans. Families and women eat the guy up. He's great with kids, he's kind of good looking in a Channing Tatum kind of way, I get it. Like silent film actors can teach us though is what happens when you fail to change with the times. John has alienated a large part of the fan base which is why 4 to 6/10ths of the crowd boo him week in and week out. This whole storyline has changed some of my viewpoints though. I agree with a lot of what Cena is saying in his promos, especially that he is the only guy in the last two matches that will be with the company next week. Cena is a wrestler that just so happens to make movies, that just so happens to do commercials, that just so happens to make music, but in the end, John Cena is a wrestler and he clearly has taken it personally that Dwayne Johnson has come in and sold himself as a "wrestler."
For all the points I've mentioned, I think the winner is pretty damn clear and it will be for all the right reasons. John Cena should win this match and move on to keep being the face of the WWE. He'll never change and he'll always be somewhat hated for it, but he's the guy who's sticking around and losing to Dwayne Johnson would undermine Cena himself and all of the fans that stayed with the WWE... Unlike Dwayne Johnson.
WINNER: John Cena
Thanks for reading, hopefully you're into wrestling and can get something out of how I feel about Wrestlemania. If enough people seem interested, maybe I'll do a wrestling column. In the meantime, let me know what you think about wrestling or Wrestlemania and enjoy the show if you're watching.
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